Here's my dream, Stacy. It will help to know that Dayton's was the major department store chain in Minneapolis (where I lived for 28 years and until last year). It's since become Marshall Fields and now Macy's, but it will always be Dayton's to me.
Dreamed I was auditioning for Dayton’s commercial. Worked through the night at CPi on project. Dayton’s had bought the co. and I was helping with move into swanky, swanky new quarters.
I have myself up for judgement for a public display.I expend great amounts of energy to assist or transition to something or space above my average means, an upgrade.
Next day I was in some sort of class and serving a snack for the class. As I worked on putting the snack together (had left some of what I’d prepared behind in running from a tornado)
I am among my peers yet,I am in a lower social class than them, I am their servant and their caretaker at the same time. I give them just enough to keep going. It is similar to tithing or a symbiotic, altruistic act. Humility and helping.
Because I am serving others, I leave some things out, or become forgetful as there is a powerful whirlwind of thoughts bearing down on me and I have to balance these thoughts and my own work with helping others.
I realized it was time I was supposed to be at the audition.
I am pressed for time; I am putting myself into the judgement arena.
Ran there, no make up, threw on my clothes as I ran, and didn’t have all of what I’d planned to wear. Missing accessories and shoes I wanted but had the basics—my plain black dress. Old Faithful. Ended up wearing leopard patterned shoes and belt of some sort. Hair was okay but no make up whatsoever.
I have myself moving as fast as I can, honest, incomplete, unplanned,trusting my core self, or what works every time. Absence of superficiality.
The night before I’d come to the attention of the CEO of Dayton’s. In a room full of gorgeous, gorgeous, young, made-up women with clothing and hair to die for, I came to the special attention of the woman in charge. The group went to lunch. We walked there together and I helped her avoid the marshy spots because she was wearing terribly expensive shoes. She talked about the evil necessity of wearing heels. We separated when we got to the restaurant. I felt I should give others a chance to talk with her but from across the room she motioned for me to sit by her. She asked questions and I answered. Couldn't’t contain my enthusiasm over some things like owning props for shoots, etc. She said I was like a comfortable pickup and no one would be intimidated by me but everyone would want me. Girls in room were jealous. One came over and asked if she’d seen correctly, if the leader really had asked me to sit by her.
As unprepared and unplanned as I am, I am noticed or chosen over all of those whom I perceive as being better than me. I am on par with all the beautiful,sparkly new things which I always wished for. I am moving to the ranks of being less than the group, to one with the group, to being powerful in the group. I am always remembering to treat everyone with compassion and understanding what it must be like to walk in their shoes.Although I am unpretentious, I fear others will be jealous of my successes yet I question their perceptions as I still wrestle with my own perception of self worth. (all artists have deep insecurities as they hang naked on a wall)
My answer was that I wasn’t sure. That it had seemed so to me but I was so shocked that I’d taken a place near her rather than right beside her because I couldn’t imagine she’d want me, even thought it seemed that’s what she was saying.
Again, could this honor really be bestowed on insignificant little me?
The girl next to me told me not to worry about it that they all just wished they were me. I looked at this young, beautiful woman and then down at my old fat self and couldn’t believe what I was hearing.
I am in the midst of a whirlwind of creativity and have been writing powerful autobiographical pieces and posting excerpts from them on my Blogsite: Reflections From The Pond (see reco. links). This writing is revealing core aspects of who I am in an un-embellished, plain, honest way. I have been receiving alot of positive feedback in my comments from people who I believe are better or more prepared or educated than I am.
It may be that there are some "higher ups" in the writing world or publishing world who are giving you some feedback that you are surprised by or feel un-entitled to such praise. This is wrestling with the belief in the wonderfulness of you.
Thank you for sending this and your writing is fabulous.