when words fail me, which is often, I paint. When words work for me and are available on time, I am surprised.

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

OFD (obsessive fishing disorder)

I've had a fever for the past ten days. I think it was brought about over the stressing over going on vacation over the holy days. I know it's Jesus's birthday and everything and I do love him, but honestly, the pressure to celebrate his birthday in the most unnatural way, like rearranging your entire life and going completely into debt?
Neither son could get off of work as they are both in the service industry these days (at least they are working. My Dad always has holidays with his "New Family" and we are not invited. Tate suggested several times we go somewhere exotic and warm and just get out of dodge for the holidays, and then i remind him about our simple little dog. The one with severe separation anxiety issues, "Oh yeah, maybe next year" he says.
The beach, although cold this time of year, is the best option. Moving out of the office and into the house, running my own shop and Tate's office, FEELING RIDICULOUSLY GUILTY for abandoning my sons on ones (youngest) birthday and JC's birthday too. Find someone to care for the house and the critters left behind, apologize to the boys a thousand times.. . Online classes, moving way too fast, phone lines not working, satellite internet very confusing to set up, coughing, fever, body aches, shoulders to the ears with stress.
Been here for a few days now, T caught 2 Red Drum, 2 sharks, and one skate.
I caught a BUNCH of Z's.
Dreamed of shooting a man 2 nights ago, scary was trying to avoid getting caught; they were on to me and the chest on top of the secret door in the floorboards.
Last night, a trick to get me to the new agey creepy doctor, when I have so many things to do, jobs to do today, now! I am late and he continues to treat me, babbling some new agey bullshit about how everybody has this stress, this fear of failure, you are holding it right here. He takes a penlike buzzing tool and presses it all around my shoulders and neck. I can feel it in my mouth, it is incredibly painful and I am holding on to being stressed and inconvenienced until-
it all falls away,
and it feels really good, warm, relaxed and calm.
and what if we really let it all go? The stress, the guilt the worry? What if we just allowed ourselves to live for the moment, be here be now, to do what we do because it is what we are doing, not what will be the result of our doing so? Would we breathe easier?
There is no cohesion to this post, and I really don't care, it's just what I am talking about now, or then,
And this morning I felt much better, but not 100 percent. Chest still tight, the fever seems to be breaking, so I thought it would be a good idea to jump into the ocean. I put on my bathing suit and grabbed a towel. I ran down the boardwalk passing two people bundled up in layers of clothing, winter hats and coats and took a quick sprint on the cold hard sand. Then up to Tate who spends hours feeding his Obsessive Fishing Disorder on the shoreline,waiting.
"Think thats a good idea, you've been sick for two weeks?"
"What else am I gonna do? Maybe this will get me over it"
"Maybe not" he said.
I ran into the ocean, a shock of cold seized my lungs and pulled me down to my feet. I did not let my head go under, I have a fever.
I told myself I was doing it for Jesus' birthday. I would feel like a newborn baby afterwards.
Why I tell myself such lies, I will never understand.
Merry Christmas to you all, warm solstice, happy thoughts and best wishes for the New Year.

Monday, December 17, 2007

House of Cards

"You have a fear of falling? So that means your get freaked out in high places or in an airplane?" he asked me. Jeff was the wait staff manager in the historic tavern I served in for several years when my kids were small. The money was good, the camaraderie and the superficiality of my coworkers was something I was unaccustomed to after years of living as an outcast on the fringes of society. Off the grid, clandestine employment, sometimes it would be weeks before seeing another person outside my nuclear household.
"No" I replied "that would be a fear of heights. I am afraid of falling, all the time, even right here, right now."
"Everybody, that is one strange chick." he announced to my fellows in the break room. They laughed, but it's still true.
Unlike Me and bobby McGee, having nothing does not give me a sense of freedom, but one of acceptance and control. There is no where to fall, when you're already down. I know there have been several songs to the point, I am not stating something profound and new but how, at this stage in my life, after surviving the homelessness, the single-motherhood, the poverty, welfare lines, food stamps, lonliness and humiliation, I am here holding my breath.. . in this house of cards. . . praying not to fall.

Thursday, December 06, 2007


Yesterday I asked for advice, today I must figure it out alone. Really, it isn't because you weren't quick enough with your thoughts and wisdom, it's about the cold. This morning was the coldest morning of the season yet. The ice was thick on the windshield. I warmed the engine up 10 minutes before leaving but of course the windshield was still covered in ice. The heater and defrost went the way of long dead soldiers, so I scraped. I get behind the wheel and as I exhale, each breath fills the windshield with a cloud of steam that freezes on contact. I drive anyway. The morning sunlight shatters across the ice covered view, is this what enlightenment looks like? The resurrection seems far from inevitable at this point.
Stop at the bank, drive through teller, two days forgotten deposit.
How are you? the Teller asks
Cold, no heat.
The doe eyed young teller tells me she thinks my dog looks OK, even if it is cold.
Oh right, this has nothing to do with me.
I remembered to check with her on car loan rates, I have an appointment with the dealer tomorrow. I must be armed with defensive tactics and alternative interest rate information, the bastards.
Here's the "Christine" part of my tedious mundane story;

My car heard me tell the banker he was headed for the scrap heap. At this admission, he simply gave up any appearance of caring for me or his life. I retrieved my deposit slip and put it in my purse. I hit the up button on the drivers side window, to no avail. The window motor squealed and hissed and said something about me freezing in hell.

Did I mention the fact that it is 28 degrees outside?

Tomorrow, the heat in that new metallic blue Caliber is going to feel really really good. Take that you rusty old pop can, take it to your cold grave.

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Car Quandry or My Kingdom for a Horse

It's finally happening, the 99 Hyundai has contracted a death rattle. Not to mention the heat doesn't come on anymore, not even when you hit a bump in the road. It's been a blessing really. The chariot was the first car I had ever bought off a lot, from a dealer and had less than 90,000 miles on it. Bells and whistles, leather interior, the sport model. Now he has 182, 000 miles and just a few weeks ago, the alternator died leaving me in the middle of a very busy 2 lane, after dark, without enough current to turn the hazards on(did I mention the car is Black). Bald tires, dents, cracked windshield. . . Dorothy surrenders.
Hybrids, have batteries which are terribly toxic not to mention non-biodegradable, which need to be replaced every 5 years? I don't feel warm and fuzzy about them yet. I think I like the Toyota Matrix, but my son who works parking cars for a hotel tells me they are not impressive. He's a Honda guy; forget I mention him.

I also am attracted to the Dodge Caliber, AWD. Don't know anything about it though.

A few of you have recently experienced the new car dilemma, as I recall, I am wondering if you also feel the futility of this situation. I mean, whatever I buy today, in the very new future, will probably become obsolete. This is the transitional phase. Numerous Hybrids are out now, all in beginning stages of development (NPR this morning compared them to early cell phones, the size of a brick). Tales of hydrogen fuel cells, switch-grass and plankton fuels, and of course the bio-diesel mass production all make me feel like buying a horse instead.
Imagine that, me on a great Clydesdale, riding into town to buy a cuppa Joe.
OK enough of that, what car do you like?

Monday, December 03, 2007

I Surely Would

If I was my boss
I'd probably have to fire myself
not joking

Saturday, December 01, 2007

Surely I Have Something to write about

Now that I have spent the last 2 and 1/2 hours reading the blog roll over there, I expect some of you may assume I have written something new, maybe even interesting, and you might be here to see if I have actually written something. Surely there must be something,and there is, plenty. Here's a list
- Thanksgiving- boys both getting here, yet missing seeing each other.

-Nemesis whom I have a no trespass order against seems to have taken up residence across the street from my shop.

-All of those dreams, pick a dream, any dream (why don't I?)

-Going to the movies with Avi and Isabella after Thanksgiving and seeing all those handsome,love them movie stars- yes I mean Tommy Lee Jones and that Javierre dude in No Country for Old Men.(awesome movie)

-Barefoot girl(13 years old, 30 degrees outside) in my shop.

-Loosing an entire week of time, that's a new one for me. An hour or two or three fine, but a week?

-I need a new car, here's my picks, what do you think?

-I have to write a paper this week on compare and contrast two cultures, pick any cultures in the world and demonstrate their life perspectives/dynamic from birth to the grave. What 2 cultures should I compare?

I have all that in my head and lots more, but I have been reading up on my favorite blogs, not doing homework, not cutting any hair, not practicing my fiddle, not reading my novel- "The Other Boleyn Girl"-Philippa Gregory, nor odering furniture for the new office, not blogging, because I am too hungry now. I'll be back later, after some food, yes food.