when words fail me, which is often, I paint. When words work for me and are available on time, I am surprised.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Death Trump Reversed

Nearly every morning, I consult the Klimt deck that I love so much, and pull a three card spread.
Thirteen/ Death, reversed in the location of the present of my three card lay out for the past three days.

Three (as in days) is significant, as the three is the "something has been created", the union of Father and Mother creates the child,dynamic.

Three threes together however is the number of chaos and I hold my breath for the entire minute if I see it has arrived on a digital read out anywhere. I have seen many decaying houses and strange businesses which are doomed for no apparent reason except for the fact that their address is triple three. (I wont type it if I can avoid it). This is a tangent.

Thirteen, the Death trump, comes after and trumps the twelve:The Hanged Man of indecision and gaining of esoteric wisdom through intuition.

Then enters Death (and the crowd roars even louder!).
Thirteen, my favorite number. The Kabbalistic number for the full moon. The thirteenth letter of the alphabet is M.

Mmmmmmm, Mother, Moon. . .
Considering this fact(full moon), Friday is the day of the week which is dedicated to Venus, the Goddess of sensuality and beauty and feminine wisdom, one can now realize the true meaning of Friday the 13th. But I digress, from Death, again.

The Death card described by tyskelion.com reader: Water is the Elemental Ruler of Death for a number of reasons. First, water represents fluidity, the ability to change and adapt to circumstances and situations. Second, Death also symbolizes rebirth, and it is in water that life begins. Third, water has the ability to change form -- it can be liquid, solid, or gaseous. Thus, it is ideal to represent the changing aspects of the Self.

Death has been reversed each day, it appears upside down. Not only do I shuffle the cards like a maniac as I am in a hurry to get out the door, but I cut them and shuffle them again after each reading. The reversed Death appeared each time in the center of the three cards in the line. On the left-is recent past. Center card(today's star)-present moment, card on the right -near future (or key to change).

Present moment, Death reversed, three days in a row, sheesh! What are you trying to say??!

The cards, Klimt and my guides are painting this picture very clearly.

Death trump Reversed:

Fear and refusal to face change; depression; stagnation. Forcible removal of a something that is held tightly. Also indicative of complete inner transformation.

See, it's not so bad. It's about letting go of old ways in order to create the new. Shedding old skin.
Why now?
This weather is depressing. I have very painful arthritis in my spine and this weather doesn't help and here I go whining. No, I won't anymore, I promise. Lately there have been many murders committed by me in my dreams. This is a symbol of my creativity being stifled as it looses way to responsibility all too often.
Then there is this strange thing that keeps happening at work in my Salon. All of these little kids that I used to know are coming in to say hello with their own children in tow! My hair is turning gray, too many addresses and phone numbers in my phone book belong to people/ friends and family members who have died and several friends my age and younger are doing a hateful dance with life threatening cancers.

I wake early, I clean and do laundry. I bathe and go to work. When I do not work, I go to school. When I have a day off, I sleep; too tired to do anything else.

I have attended more trade schools than the average person and there are many jokes among my immediate family members about the fact that I can do your hair, bake and decorate your wedding cake, deliver your baby then counsel you through your life changes , but I still don't know what I will be when I grow up.

Ambitiousness doesn't really describe it; it's really a lack of belief that I am good enough as I am. Sister, friend, lover, mother, woman, painter, no that's not good enough, she tells me.

I can pay my bills, I say. no that's not good enough

Ive come a long way from homelessness and the welfare trip. no that's not good enough

Ive escaped the cycle of abusive relationships and found infinite love. Again that bitch in my head says, no that's not good enough

Ive raised two beautiful healthy and happy sons, I protest this taunting, but it rules me. Her reply is always the same.

I keep using up my time for art, music and plain old relaxing in order to get a degree in something I do not feel remotely passionate enough about, because she keeps telling me I am not good enough.
I beat myself up because I haven't been to a birth in three years even though I really don't feel comfortable in that place due to my perceptions of the current birthing population and their refusal to take responsibility for their own births. I have too much to loose these days and I'm not talking about money.
Whatever my truth , she still beats me up. I must not be a good midwife if I dont go to a few hundred births per year, she mocks me.(actually she says really bad things, but I will spare you the words.)

I'm tired of her and I am running out of time on my mortality alarm clock. It's a little scary to let her off my tail, to stop running away all the time. But I am ready to let that "need to be somebody" suit of armor to fall to the floor. I am ready to shed that skin. I've come a long way, I am here now, and I'm okay.

What was the key to change you might ask? The position of the near future? Luckily she is the Queen of Wands. I think I will save her for tomorrow.


thirdworstpoetinthegalaxy said...

I don't understand the cards much, but I understand the turmoil you've expressed.

Nothing is ever enough for us, in our minds.

I think if we'd learn to be more easily satisfied, we'd ultimately be much better off.

But to us, that's giving up. And we can't have that.

mist1 said...

I always thought that the Death card reversed was a sign that a person is slipping into a phase of being stagnant.

Jerri said...

This is fascinating, Stacy.

I SO identify with hearing that voice, the one that constantly tells us we're not good enough. Would sure love to hear how you managed to turn a deaf ear, to shed that skin.

Can't wait for the next installment.

Stacy said...

TWP- we might even breathe once in a while.No surrender, ever!

Mist1- yes, that's the point. Depression due to stagnation, for me is creative stagnation. The voice that says, stretch a canvas and prime it, and responds, I'm too tired. . . running all the time, working all the time,. . .
time to drop that manic drive(a little bit).

Jerri- it's a work in progress but realizing what must die so the new can be born is the first step. Next-create new reality.

Winter said...

I once had a reading done, and it creeped me out, that I will NEVER do it again.

It was all to honest and real.