I've had a fever for the past ten days. I think it was brought about over the stressing over going on vacation over the holy days. I know it's Jesus's birthday and everything and I do love him, but honestly, the pressure to celebrate his birthday in the most unnatural way, like rearranging your entire life and going completely into debt?
Neither son could get off of work as they are both in the service industry these days (at least they are working. My Dad always has holidays with his "New Family" and we are not invited. Tate suggested several times we go somewhere exotic and warm and just get out of dodge for the holidays, and then i remind him about our simple little dog. The one with severe separation anxiety issues, "Oh yeah, maybe next year" he says.
The beach, although cold this time of year, is the best option. Moving out of the office and into the house, running my own shop and Tate's office, FEELING RIDICULOUSLY GUILTY for abandoning my sons on ones (youngest) birthday and JC's birthday too. Find someone to care for the house and the critters left behind, apologize to the boys a thousand times.. . Online classes, moving way too fast, phone lines not working, satellite internet very confusing to set up, coughing, fever, body aches, shoulders to the ears with stress.
Been here for a few days now, T caught 2 Red Drum, 2 sharks, and one skate.
I caught a BUNCH of Z's.
Dreamed of shooting a man 2 nights ago, scary was trying to avoid getting caught; they were on to me and the chest on top of the secret door in the floorboards.
Last night, a trick to get me to the new agey creepy doctor, when I have so many things to do, jobs to do today, now! I am late and he continues to treat me, babbling some new agey bullshit about how everybody has this stress, this fear of failure, you are holding it right here. He takes a penlike buzzing tool and presses it all around my shoulders and neck. I can feel it in my mouth, it is incredibly painful and I am holding on to being stressed and inconvenienced until-
it all falls away,
and it feels really good, warm, relaxed and calm.
and what if we really let it all go? The stress, the guilt the worry? What if we just allowed ourselves to live for the moment, be here be now, to do what we do because it is what we are doing, not what will be the result of our doing so? Would we breathe easier?
There is no cohesion to this post, and I really don't care, it's just what I am talking about now, or then,
And this morning I felt much better, but not 100 percent. Chest still tight, the fever seems to be breaking, so I thought it would be a good idea to jump into the ocean. I put on my bathing suit and grabbed a towel. I ran down the boardwalk passing two people bundled up in layers of clothing, winter hats and coats and took a quick sprint on the cold hard sand. Then up to Tate who spends hours feeding his Obsessive Fishing Disorder on the shoreline,waiting.
"Think thats a good idea, you've been sick for two weeks?"
"What else am I gonna do? Maybe this will get me over it"
"Maybe not" he said.
I ran into the ocean, a shock of cold seized my lungs and pulled me down to my feet. I did not let my head go under, I have a fever.
I told myself I was doing it for Jesus' birthday. I would feel like a newborn baby afterwards.
Why I tell myself such lies, I will never understand.
Merry Christmas to you all, warm solstice, happy thoughts and best wishes for the New Year.