"You have a fear of falling? So that means your get freaked out in high places or in an airplane?" he asked me. Jeff was the wait staff manager in the historic tavern I served in for several years when my kids were small. The money was good, the camaraderie and the superficiality of my coworkers was something I was unaccustomed to after years of living as an outcast on the fringes of society. Off the grid, clandestine employment, sometimes it would be weeks before seeing another person outside my nuclear household.
"No" I replied "that would be a fear of heights. I am afraid of falling, all the time, even right here, right now."
"Everybody, that is one strange chick." he announced to my fellows in the break room. They laughed, but it's still true.
Unlike Me and bobby McGee, having nothing does not give me a sense of freedom, but one of acceptance and control. There is no where to fall, when you're already down. I know there have been several songs to the point, I am not stating something profound and new but how, at this stage in my life, after surviving the homelessness, the single-motherhood, the poverty, welfare lines, food stamps, lonliness and humiliation, I am here holding my breath.. . in this house of cards. . . praying not to fall.