when words fail me, which is often, I paint. When words work for me and are available on time, I am surprised.

Friday, May 08, 2009

Walk The Walk

When I become overwhelmed i often have the same recurring nightmare; I am in high school and I am unprepared and I am not going to graduate. As an- at times- over zealous student, I am mortified, and then I declare in the dream that I do not need to finish high school, I went to college anyway.
In this dream I am sometimes teen aged and others my old aging middle aged self. I am the oldest girl in the class, older than my teachers often.
It is true, when my father left us for his chicksa new wife and family, I took it quite hard. I fell into a deep self loathing depression and stopped going to school. I stayed home to clean the house and read and who knows. I received the letter addressed to my parents which stated if I was not in school on Monday, I was not permitted to return, ever.
I threw it in the trash.
After some time I took the GED exam and went to college in upstate NY. My father bitched and moaned about the money and my mom bought a new sportscar and a fur coat, a few pieces of jewelry too I think.
I partied most of the time, took off to Grateful Dead tour most of the week and returned to take exams maybe once a week. I maintained a 3.80 average anyway and then after 2 semesters I entered the school of hard knocks.
A year later I gave birth to my first son. At 21 I was a proud (welfare) mother of 2 babies and on my own. I will be 44 this year.
A few weeks ago, after I completed my final academic course for my BA , I had the new version of the recurring dream:
This time I am not going to graduate from college because i have not completed my papers, I do not have time to write another one.
Listen up Psyche!!!!!
We are going to IOWA, in a few hours, you need to get that woman in her underwear away from the keyboard and get her dressed and packing.
You did graduate- or- you will, if you get your ass packing!!
Pomp and circumstance here we come.

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