when words fail me, which is often, I paint. When words work for me and are available on time, I am surprised.

Monday, April 06, 2009

Name Change

(The title is a link to name encyclopedia)
After a certain conversation with my father, I have decided to change my name.
He has lost his naming rights-
it is final.
I have several acquaintances who do not have children.
Most of them appear to me as emotionally stuck in complicated issues with their parents, the lousy mother, the drunk abusive dad. ..
I know we all have these issues but somehow their importance or ability to challenge our mental stability wanes when we become parents of our own children.
I remember pausing one day several years ago as I played the continuous loop of how horrible my mother was and still can be at times through my head.
The question of how much of a similar but different rant might be going through my own son's heads now or in the future, or the rest of their lives for that matter, snapped me into a shut-up mode.
My internal dialogue of childish complaints and anger seemed selfish and indulgent; I am not the child anymore, I am the parent, the focus of future internal dialogues with the mother for my sons.
I dropped my daughter tape and began paying closer attention to the words and actions of the momma me; I had a breakthrough session with my internal therapist, I was cured.

Or so I thought-
He named me, he said he thought it was a beautiful name when I told him years ago how much I disliked it.
Because he said that,I kept it.
I am not going to tell you the stupid things he said last week which caused me to take away his naming rights of me, it is too self indulgent and I am burning the internal tape as well as a major support in the bridge.
I am not going to burn the entire bridge,yet, but I might.
From now on I will call him by his first name(which I happen to know he does not like) and you can call me Tzeitel.
Yes, I am serious


Laura said...

Tell me more about your chosen name. How do you pronounce it, what does it mean, etc.

Sigh. Parents. My father is gone from this world, but I never had any real problems with him. My mother has just had a "retirement age" crisis, involving divorcing my stepfather, remarrying a high school boyfriend w/in 6 months, and now seems to "enjoy" things like camping, motorcycle touring, etc. Her fave old hobby was shopping. Hey, she seems happy. Who am I to judge?

Michelle O'Neil said...

Good for you for a name change if that is what feels right.

Meanwhile, my kid hates her name after someone on the playground convinced her it's a boy name. Grr.

Sorry your dad was hurtful.