"You have a fear of falling? So that means your get freaked out in high places or in an airplane?" he asked me. Jeff was the wait staff manager in the historic tavern I served in for several years when my kids were small. The money was good, the camaraderie and the superficiality of my coworkers was something I was unaccustomed to after years of living as an outcast on the fringes of society. Off the grid, clandestine employment, sometimes it would be weeks before seeing another person outside my nuclear household.
"No" I replied "that would be a fear of heights. I am afraid of falling, all the time, even right here, right now."
"Everybody, that is one strange chick." he announced to my fellows in the break room. They laughed, but it's still true.
Unlike Me and bobby McGee, having nothing does not give me a sense of freedom, but one of acceptance and control. There is no where to fall, when you're already down. I know there have been several songs to the point, I am not stating something profound and new but how, at this stage in my life, after surviving the homelessness, the single-motherhood, the poverty, welfare lines, food stamps, lonliness and humiliation, I am here holding my breath.. . in this house of cards. . . praying not to fall.
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6 comments:
Well, you have a new car and you're going on vacation. Things can't be that bad....
America is really a house of cards right now, isn't it?
I'm the same, I think. I have no problem with heights. But there are sometimes even on perfectly level ground, I worry the world is about to slip away from under my feet.
I like the bottom. riding the crest of a slump and all...
While reading, I began replacing "falling" with "failing" and you were describing the main reason my shoulder muscles are tense and ache all the time (unless chemically subdued).
The thing about falling, is you always get back up.
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